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You’re in the Closet and Dating Someone Who is Not
The best way to understand positions is to compare it to dating someone who is married. The rules are quite similar. The one thing that the two have in common is having to deny how one feels outside of the closet...on both sides. Either way, it’s just full of all the sadness that can come along with dating someone who is married for the most part. Again, this is one of those situations that we will set ourselves up for thinking we can handle it... or not thinking at all. We all know that with experience in some matters, it is best left alone... because heart break looms ahead.
When you are asked to keep how you feel a secret... that’s a problem. When the relationship is so private that you sometimes wonder if you’re even in a relationship... that’s a problem. When you are expected to not ever mention that you even know the person you have fallen in love with.... that’s a problem. While innocently talking to a mutual friend, you share the name of your lover—with all the happiness that one feels when in love—and is given blessings for happiness by this mutual friend only to have the person you are dating... who is in the closet... hit the ceiling because, as he or she describes it, you have a big mouth... and break up with you. This, my dear, is the problem... This was, as you lay wounded, the heart break waiting for you.
It’s back to the basics that we all know so well, but for some we reason keep fooling with fire... always hoping we won’t get burnt. So, here’s my suggested refresher course to keep up front... before allowing one self to open the door up for any emotional interest in someone who has such a high risk of being a heart breaker.
1. One should not date people who are married or for any reason unavailable. Once you think you have complete control over your feelings, that’s exactly when the hunter has captured... its game.
2. If you are gay, it is not wise to date someone who is not gay, is confused, in the closet, or bisexual. It’s just not a good fit... and love often is just not enough. It does not guarantee that the person with the issues will have what it takes to formerly... officially.... & completely commit.
What I ask of those on the flip side is: Consider not being so self-centered and thinking only of yourself and what pleases you at the time. Actually really give a damn about those who you allow to become fond of you...only to have you treat their feelings as if no heart beat exists at all. If you are in the closet or are so uncomfortable about others knowing about who you are involved with, then just don’t get involved with them at all. I think the expectation that they will not tell is not a realistic one. Everyone talks... especially those in love...or even those who think their in love. Finally, try dating someone who is also in the closet. You two should get along just fine!
There are far too many things in this life that we have little or no control over. The freedom to express to the world who you love is just one of the few that we still have...even with its limitations.
So to be denied that freedom by the one you love may say one important thing: Perhaps you should consider loving another. One who will not only love you in return... but one who under any circumstances is not ashamed of the love shared between you!!!
I guess being denied does not make one unique at all. It has happened to very best of us... hasn’t it? I’m not really up on the Bible and its contents, but it seems like I remember a story about... “The Last Supper.” The most important person sitting at the head... the one who was loved by all... predicted that before the night was over one of the guests at the table would deny publically ever knowing... & loving Him.
Why do People Lie and Find it So Difficult to be Honest?
I’m talking about those people who slide up under you... slivering into your life under false pretenses... portraying themselves as a great friend, only to have some sick ass crush on you. That is creepy and in a word disgusting.
I experienced this and cannot begin to tell you the level of betrayal I felt. I felt so violated that it was crazy. I found the deceptive reason for wanting and insisting on being in my life to be so completely unfair because I was unaware of their feelings. They lacked the courage to be truthful. I would have respected them more if they had just come clean as opposed to keeping a lie... that they thought was a secret from both myself & others.
It’s one thing to have a crush on an entertainer or public figure. We sit around and joke about meeting them one day and all of that. It’s another thing to hang out with a good friend that you’re in love with and never let on... all the while having private inappropriate thoughts or plans in your own sneaky ass mind about this person…pretending you’re just good friends all the long and coincidently not liking anyone who comes along threatening your private fantasy love affair. How disgusting weak & creepy.
I have to say that when we have certain instincts that come up repeatedly about a person... along with other friends and even sometimes strangers who pick up on certain things about people in our lives... we must pay attention and not ignore, even though you can’t prove it beyond a doubt. Our instinct is given to us for protection... & we must trust it.!!!
If You Can’t Love the One You Want…Consider Loving the One Who Loves You
I’m convinced that many of us will spend a lot of lonely days, weeks, months & years alone waiting for some knucklehead to come around... lol. It’s kinda ridiculous when you actually think about this whole love thing. At least sometimes in the cycle of one’s love life, we look for love so hard that we miss it because it’s right under our noses. Perhaps it’s that person who loves us unconditionally and has a fondness for us who could possibly manifest into a wonderful love for one another.
Now let’s be clear: The feelings must be mutual to some extent... lol. My thing is, why not give it a try? Who knows what might happen.... If you have any experience in this area, please let me know. Oh, and I’m not talking about an affair with that off limits person or someone like that.
But, I am saying to possibly consider hooking up with someone who perhaps was not available when you were... and then available when you were not... but now you two are both available... ;-) That might be cute. I guess we never really know where love lies waiting for us to open up and receive it.
Some say that if your choices of lovers have not been good ones, perhaps you should allow someone to choose you. Sheezzz, give it a try... and move past trying to love the one who for whatever reason cannot give you what you both want & need in the love department. This person is probably very patient with their love for you...faithful and supportive in all you do. Maybe we should not be attracted to the image a person presents to us... hoping it projects Love, but instead be attracted to a person’s Love for us the image it Projects.
Best Wishes,
Marva!
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