column | I will Survive

When recently asked by Cornald Maas and Jan Smit what I would do next year after my last cabaret show, I told the expert gentlemen that I hoped to have a beautiful solo performance at the Scapino Ballet. And if that aspiring dance company doesn’t want me, I’ll talk to the Concertgebouw Orchestra. I want to be a music director there. While I’m also talking to Edwin van der Sar and Klas-Jan Huntelaar of Ajax because this club is desperate for a skilled striker after last season’s disaster.

“Perhaps you will join Daley Blind in the team,” suggested Jan Smit, “now he has been asked by Ajax. Just like Sjakie Swart, Klaas Nuninga and Wesley Sneijder.” This will really shudder opponents next season.

I asked how Jan & Cornald came across the adorable duo Mia & Dion. It turns out that it was mainly the work of the indomitable Duncan Lawrence. He made the decision. He knew Dion as a pizza delivery man and Mia was behind the cash register at his supermarket. Then think: These two sound like a cute couple to me. Young, energetic and enthusiastic.

This is Duncan’s model. Such a duo will test. At first he had a song written by his laptop. That’s right: artificial intelligence. He threw in his winning song from last year and asked the hard drive to do something like that again.

He is the only one who forgot to check the correct pitch. Newbie error. It was also his first Eurovision singing competition for this laptop. But that was recovered fairly quickly. When it turned out the performance was a bit dark and fixed, he and his team put the set on a turntable.

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a team? Yes, around the duo are about forty specialists. Nail Polish Consultants, Eye Shadow Mixers, Clothing Consultants, Dietitian Die-hards, Vegan Chefs, Oat Milk Inspectors, Shoelace Counters, Emotion-Driven Psychologists, Casual Production Workers, Voice Yo-Yos, Light Vibes, On-Camera Specialists plus a full cast of broadcasters The inevitable VIP with a pass around the neck.

Duncan was satisfied after that. Just like Cornald and Jean, who had a bit of a run for it with these captains all shouting from the beach that it was bad.

What did you think of it? I said I did not see him. That seemed like a safe answer. Then they asked if the rumor was true that I would go to SBS next year. also? Yes, in their eyes I was still the only believer of the left church who did not succumb to the big money of his uncle John de Mole. Suddenly I saw myself on SBS docusoap program where I visited a doctor in the hospital with my wife. Then that doctor tells me I only have two months to live, after which she congratulates the viewers on the fact that they will soon get rid of me.

Then Cornald whispered whether I wanted to put my dancing, violin and soccer plans on hold for a while and whether I wanted to take part in the Eurovision Song Contest next year.

“I can’t sing,” I said humbly.

“It’s all right,” Jean laughed, “we’ll take some jackets and trousers and hats and crazy hats from King Charles’ dress-box, and you’ll have a silver scepter and ball in your hands, and you’ll come on stage in a golden chariot pulled by ninety bronze sailors and on your trouser leg we embroider a hare as a reminder of Flappy.” …and so did the crazy Camilla.She has her shelter dogs depicted on her dress.And on her underwear is a picture of Diana, but this is a secret.Besides, there is always a bishop holding the text in front of you and you sing it as spontaneously as possible.Rhythms are difficult and the basis is “I will live!”

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I thought of Vincent van Gogh, who painted seventy color paintings in the last seventy days of his life and then shot himself.

Then I said to Cornald and Jean, “I’ll do it!”

Applause roared across Hilversum.

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